Everyone Is Actually Named John and This Guy Can Prove It
Jul. 13 2023, Published 11:13 a.m. ET
According to the Behind the Name website, the name John held the No. 1 spot in the United States from 1880 up until 1923. It briefly fell to No. 2, then held strong in third place from 1930 until 1952. Since then, John has declined significantly as new and exciting names take its place.
In 2022 John was ranked No. 26 in most popular names, but that might not technically be accurate. A TikTok user named Ambatukhan (@nspektor6000) released a video about the name John that vaguely feels like the Charlie Day conspiracy meme from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In it, he explains how everyone is actually named John. It's time to leave the Matrix and get into some real truths.
Look at all the Johns!
Everyone is actually named John. Look under your chairs, you get a John!
Every day you meet someone named John and you probably didn't know it. Ambatukhan did, which is why he assembled this very intense TikTok about the phenomenon that is the name John. He goes through several variations of the name, from multiple countries. It's giving John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. Sorry I got that song stuck in your head.
As with all unbelievable stories, this one begins with the Bible. I'm calling it Johnasis. "It all starts with Yôḥānān, who we know as John," explains Ambatukhan. I'm letting this information wash over me like a baptism.
From there we travel to Ancient Greece where Yôḥānān becomes Ioannis which translates to "God is gracious." In this particular instance, God needs to be more original with these names. Right next door to Ancient Greece is Classical Latin where we find Iohannes. Not much of an upgrade but that will soon change.
Popping over to Germany we discover that Johannes Bach is just John Bach. It doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Imagine saying, "My favorite piece of classical music is Toccata and Fugue in D minor, by John Bach." Good ol' Johnny Bach. Johannes seamlessly shifts into Hans and now I'm unable to stop saying, "John Christian Andersen would love the live action remake of The Little Mermaid."
France is the first to bring the name closer to the John we know today with Jehan followed by Jean, but the English are the first to birth John. At this point my question is, why are these names described as versions of John instead of versions of Yôḥānān, which came first. Oh no, is this the English language centering itself again?
Next up, English gives us a little diddy about Jack and Jane (not Diane). I really feel like we're taking a lot of liberties here. I know the band Semisonic once sang in their hit song "Closing Time" that "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end," but I feel like Jane burst onto the scene from nowhere. I reject the notion that Jane is Jack, and Jack is John. Apologies to John F. Kennedy, who was also called Jack!
President John F. Kennedy who was nicknamed Jack.
OK I love the Irish because they've had a rough go of it but they always maintain a searing sense of humor in the face of hundreds of years of trauma, but am I to believe Sean is John? This also means that Puffy Daddy's lifestyle company Sean John is actually John John. Also, John-John was a nickname of John F. Kennedy, Jr. Is this a conspiracy? Please don't let QAnon get ahold of this.
The Scots took Sean/John and turned it into Ian, Iain, and Ewan which does not surprise me because they also gave us the Loch Ness Monster. When Spain entered the chat with Juan, they could have never predicted that someday, millions of high school Spanish students would grasp onto that name for dear life. Donde esta la biblioteca?
Ambatukhan backed it up to Ancient Greece again and traced a line over to Russia where Yôḥānān became Ivan. Ivan the Terrible suddenly doesn't sound so terrible. That's John the Terrible. What's he terrible at, board games? Obviously Ancient Greek had to become modern-day Greece which is where we get names like Giannis and Yannis. God is still being gracious.
"There are hundreds of other variations across the world which I can't write down," says an exhausted Ambatukhan. Finally at the end, he throws a bone to the women and quickly fires off some lady examples. Apart from Jane, they didn't even make it to the board. That's not very gracious!